Bots@world 2000              

JOKES

Following jokes are taken from various joke sites I found on the Internet..

NO 1

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole.
This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all
his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for
dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are
the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...
Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he
was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be
female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately
put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his
wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that
all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a
motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was
shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he
could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the
bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the
world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and
said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

NO 2

This lady is having a baby and the doctor is sitting there assisting her in
pushing it out. Finally the baby comes out and the doctor starts patting it.
Then he throws it across the room and runs over and kicks the shit out of
it. After he gets done kicking it he picks it up and throws it again.
Meanwhile the lady is freaking out and starts screaming "What the hell have
you done to my baby". The doctor says "Oh! I'm just fuckin' with you, it was
born dead."

NO 3

"Ape"

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink
spring dress, sleeveles with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and
a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very
large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun
intended).
He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously
excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He
suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband
suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play
along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more exicited making noises
that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one
of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try
lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he
says... This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing
flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the
cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

NO 4

"The Hot Dog" 

One day two drunks were stumbling around in the alley when they
decided that they were beginning to get sober. They first checked
their pockets to see how much money they had on them. The were
dissapointed to only find $1.25. Finally after deep thought one of the
men got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand and bought a hot dog. He
walked back to the alley and told the freind that he had found the way
to get some free drinks. So they went to the first bar and began
drinking shots of hard liquor one after the other. Finally the
bartender told the two that if they wanted anymore drinks they better
show him that they had some money to pay for it. The man with the hot
dog opened his zipper and put the weiner through the opening. He had
his friends get down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed
them and made them leave calling them faggots and other names. They
went to another bar and got the same response. They did this at about
twenty different bars unitl they became dog drunk. They staggered back
to the alley and layed down waiting to pass out. One of the drunks
turned over to the other and said, "Man I have got to admit, that hot
dog trick worked great." At this the other drunk turned looked at him
with a sheepish grin and said. "What hot dog, I ate that at the second
bar!"

NO 5

Washcloth 

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. 
One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, 
he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs? 
She responded, "It's my washcloth". Weeks later after the mother 
had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but 
while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, 
and the boy asked his mother: "What happened to your washcloth?" 
The mother responded, "I lost it". The little boy trying to be 
helpful set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later 
the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, 
I found your washcloth, the mother thinking that the child was 
just playing went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you 
find it?" The boy answered, "The maid has it she is washing daddy's 
face with it."

"The Mailman's Last Day "

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. 

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" 

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."



"Pumping Dad Up "

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him". His mom is taken by surprise and says. " Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?". And the boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!" 

"Some Golf Accident "

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. 

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. 

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." 

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" 

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."