JOKES-By AMODHA

BAKED BEANS

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Kiri putha Jokes @ Bots column

1. Our well known kiri putha of Version PLUS @ Kandy
whenever he wanted to meet his neighbours he plays stereo 
full blast at 2.00 am

2. one time our kiri putha applied for the post of gamsabapathi Angoda.....
he visited to the mental hospital there and at the meeting he said "oyagollo okkoma mata chande denna onna hodei....?"
one guy who was standing in front of the crowd shouted at him.....
"dan mehe ayata pissu nahane"

3. Kiriputha: Good evening old man. thought i'd drop in and see you about the umbrella you borrowd from me last week.
Pasan : I'm sorry, ilent it to a friend of mine. Were you wanting it?
Kiriputha: Well not for my self but the fellow I borrowed it from says the owner wants it.

4. Ricky was annoyed when kiriputha phoned at 3.00 am and complained "your dog is barking so loudly that I can't sleep"
putha hanged up before ricky could protest, the following morning at 3.00am ricky called kiriputha and said "i don't have a dog"

5. when our Kiriputha was three year old boy and Amangaa was a chooti girl they were playing house.
hand in hand, they knocked at the door of a neighbour's house. the neighbour opened the door , smiled and said...
"yes,what may i do for you?"
amanga said, "we're playing house. this is my husband and i'm his wife. can we come in?"
"why of course. do come in", replied the woman. she was so enchanted by the act that she offerd lemonade and cookies.
"Thank you!" said kiriputha and they each accepted cookies and tall glass of lemonade.
A few miniutes later, the woman said, "would you like another glass?"
"No thank yoy", said the girl, Amangaa.
"we have to go now, my husband wet his pants". 

NEIGHBOUR

                      NO 1

Mr. Grouch was enraged when young Joe from next door began throwing 
stones at his greenhouse. "I'll teach you, you young imp of satan!" 
roared the furious neighbour. "I'll teach you to throw stones at my 
greenhouse!"
"I wish you would," said the cheeky lad. "I've had three goes and I
haven't hit it yet!"

NO 2

A keen gardener saw his neighbour planting razor-blades in his potato patch. Ever eager to learn something new, he called over the hedge, " what are you expecting to grow alf?"
"Chips!" was the reply.

 

Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't beleive what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50", said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!".

IF U OVER 18 GET THE RISK OUT HERE - I'm not Responsible